Berri's Payback
by Cheorkee rememberer gamer98
Summary: An AU fic in which Conker returns home after the battle with the Great Mighty Poo. he encounters his girlfriend while being both excessively filthy and late. How will Berri be able to sate her inner clean freak and be able to punish Conker for his actions? Read to find out!
1. Chapter 1

Berri's Payback

 **A/N: Hello fellow reader I hope you enjoy my very first Conker's Bad Fur Day fanfic and, if you are interested in my other work feel free to check it out. (Warning I am a huge procrastinator which is why I do not have a lot of content published despite the fact that I can come up with about thirty or so ideas at a time). On the plus side I have tons of other authors that I have favorited on my account so if you happen to become bored or simply just do not like what I have written be sure to check them out. They have a lot more experience than I do and their stories are most likely leagues ahead of mine so if you end up getting bored of me then give someone who is better than me a chance.**

 **Chapter One: Some explaining to do**

Conker had been through one heck of a day ever since that all-night drinking binge he and a few of his friends being shipped out to combat some hostile threat against all of squirrel kind. Memories of what he had encountered now flashed through his mind all the way from waking up in that field and meeting the scarecrow to finishing off that singing giant poo monster. Speaking of which after the battle he now smelled of a combination of wet fur, fecal matter, and the general vomit and sickness of a massive hangover he had suffered in that muddy field shortly before meeting Birdy. Pausing to think in an attempt to not focus on the smell he also realized he had another problem his girlfriend Berri the chipmunk. Knowing this was about the fourth time he had stood her up on their plans to get together this month. Alone thanks to that previous night at the tavern, compounded with the fact he was a mobile sewage squirrel meant that getting back into her good graces would take some charm and her love for him.

"Ah shucks now I'm in for it." Conker groaned to himself as he reviewed the two paths before him. Path number one consisted of the drain that was now the tomb to the great poo monster that had once terrorized the dung beetles via drowning them in excrement. Conker could easily use his helicopter tail move to get from one stuck out pile of crap to the next besides there could be money down there? Greed flowed through the orange squirrel with thoughts of living like a king and having whatever he desired. He then closed his eyes and scolded himself for being so selfish Berri was most likely worrying where he was and despite all their personal faults their loyalty toward each other was stronger than steel.

Sighing he choose the second path through the front door of the poo mountain, past the spinning windmill, back through the cave where that gargoyle had been before committing accidental suicide whilst laughing at Conker's attempts to move him with a frying pan, finally arriving back to that field where he had met the scarecrow who he hoped could tell him how to get back home. At first the orange squirrel's body refused to move his mind demanding that he go down that drain in the hopes of more wealth and adventure. His heart however, was having none of that reminding his brain that their girlfriend was important and that she might just leave them if they did not improve their behavior. Grindingly his mind accepted that reasoning allowing the squirrel to march out of the mountain and making sure he avoided that wasp nest ( **best not to disturb them so we can save some time)** his brain recommended Conker took it's advice to heart soon arriving at the place where the bad fur day had began.

"Oi Birdy can you help me?" The squirrel asked the raggedly looking scarecrow. "Depends on what cha ya need my help with." The scarecrow straightened up waiting for the orange drunkard to seek his advice. "Well ya see as much fun it has been with this crazy day and all making money to boot I really need to get home to see my girlfriend." "Oh that well that's uh no problem just um close your eyes, click your shoes three times, and say I want to go home." The squirrel looked perplexed at what the old slightly drunk scarecrow had said. "I think you just quoted some sort of movie pal besides I want to avoid moving these shoes as much as possible seeing as I am covered in shi-." Birdy suddenly got an idea turned on his pole and pointed with enough enthusiasm that Conker caught himself from swearing. "Ok ya see dat yellow looking path that I'm pointing towards? That is the path you want to take to get home to your girl. Also you might want to do something about your smell lad it's very unpleasant." The scarecrow covered his nose at that part while Conker simply rolled his eyes and went on his way thinking that maybe he should try and cleanup a little bit before arriving unannounced at Berri's house. He nixed the idea thinking instead the smell and how he looked would help explain the events of the night before he also could use it as an excuse for not being able to arrive on time. "Besides it's not like she can do much except chide me and crinkle her nose at my smell. She'll let me slide she has done it before I mean sure she is a health freak keeping the house tidy all the time, eating health food and exercising but she still manages to have a soft spot for me." "Hold on Berri the Conkmister is coming to sweep you off your feet!"

He started running and using his tail spin on the path for a good twenty minutes until he saw her house in the distance in was a tidy little home and pink on the outside her favorite color. Though despite being girly his girlfriend did have a tough and practical side to her along with being intelligent to an extent that along with her beauty was one of the reasons why he had fell for her. He sucked in a big gasp of air leaning on the door frame to catch his breath all that moving nonstop had been difficult and now to top everything off he was sweating like a pig in a bacon factory. "Heh worse she can do is tell me to hose off outside right?" he wheezed to himself as he opened the door announcing his presence and startling her out of her exercise routine.

She looked as beautiful as ever with her grey fur, pink top, short-shorts, and converse shoes. Her blond hair was pulled back and tied with a hair braid while her gorgeous blue eyes studied the filthy blue jacket wearing orange squirrel that despite being shorter than her had made a large impact on her life. She gave him a sweet smile showing off bright white teeth letting him think he was in the clear. She then proceeded to cross her arms and frown a little at the now nervous form of her boyfriend. "You like totally have some explaining to do honey." She quipped earning a gulp and shaky nod from her boyfriend. She continued examining him disappointed with the fact that he had once again failed in being punctual still she would stick by him because of her loyalty to him loyalty that was keeping her from kicking him out despite smelling like a bum that had lived off cheap booze in a decontamination plant for twenty years. She let him talk having all the time in the world.

 **A/N: This was a fun little chapter to write it feels good to get back after staying inactive for so long. By the way if any of you are wondering how long this is going to be it will be for about two maybe three chapters. Four chapters if I feel up to it after all Berri has not yet gotten back at Conker for his actions. Speaking of which how do you all think she will get back at him for this? Please leave me your reviews, suggestions, and constructive criticism because I know that I have a long way to go in terms of quality.**


	2. What to do with a naughty squirrel?

**Chapter Two: What to do to a naughty squirrel?**

"Like oh my god you could have at least like called me or something honey." The grey Chipmunk started in with the whole lecture about how Conker had once again been irresponsible staying out all night while, she sat at home fuming and wishing they would do something together like the good old days when they were younger. "You know Conker I love being a bit wild myself but honestly this is ridiculous! How am I supposed to know whether you were really at that pub or god forbid getting mugged and beaten up in an alley somewhere?" Sadly she was not even halfway through her lecture when her idiotic boyfriend decided to heave last night's adventure all over her floor. Meanwhile the red squirrel was trying to look pitiful and sorry but it was not easy seeing as how not only he smelled like the lockup of a drunk tank but now, had dug himself deeper into a relationship hole any further and he just might drill into the lava and burn up with his love never forgiving him again.

"Listen sweetheart" deciding that he should make an attempt to sweet talk even though his stomach was as sturdy as a wet cardboard box since it felt like any attempt to even breathe would cause another upset. "I know things are not the way we pictured it but we can still make this work out. Who cares about our flaws or what my friends said at the bar about us ending in tragedy all we need to d-"The squirrel suddenly had a panicked look on his face and rushed to the bathroom where he deposited the last of his drinking game with friends of the previous night. Once he was done "worshiping" the porcelain a shudder ran through his body and he passed out still covered in filth and unaware of how far into trouble he had gotten himself into.

Berri found him slumbering like a toddler who had decided to make mud pies all day while gorging on sweets. She winced noticing the odor coming from the toilet hitting her nostrils combined with the sour aroma of the now soiled floor. Still she could not help but smile in a mischievous way thinking of all the ways she could get back at him for the amount of work she was now going to have to perform. "Hmm" She mused "I could get some makeup and give him a work over like I did last time the guys at the pub kept giving him grief for it about six months." She shook her head remembering how not only was he not ashamed but even joked around as if nothing had happened. "I could get a bucket of ice cold water and dump it on him demanding he clean up this mess." Instant no as she remembered how bad he scratched the countertop and that mysterious stain in her favorite rug the last time she put him on kitchen duty for punishment. "I could hide his wallet and try to keep him from going." Yeah fat chance he just gave her the sad eyes and acted all charming towards her until she relented. I guess taking a minute to think about an appropriate revenge is better. Besides knowing him he will be out for almost two days unless someone tries waking him up plenty of time to plan. Berri headed to her room as the petulant odors started making her light-headed. She slowly crawled onto her bed and passed out no time to do anything else.

 **A/N: Hi all me again not really going to make excuses to why I was gone so long just know that I procrastinate a lot. Being a little sluggish and lazy does not help matters either but to make it up to you all I will be working on the third chapter right away. Anyways hope all who read this enjoy if I can make you interested even for a little bit then a job well done!**


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